My Heart is Shattered...

It's been 3 years, 2 months, 3 weeks & 6 days since my baby girl left me. Through this time I have always felt her close to me. I have a necklace and her ashes are in it. That necklace means more to me than ANYTHING. It's the last thing I have of her. To some it might be creepy, but to me it is beautiful. On the front we had Our Angel Mya inscribed, on the back is the date we found out that she had passed 9/5/06. The inscriptions are beginning to fade. This is something I always envisioned cherishing all my life.  I wanted to be buried with it.

Those who are close to me know how important this necklace is to me.... 

It's gone.

Flushed down the toilet.

My heart is in shambles.

And I don't even know how to describe the feelings I am feeling right now. Anger, sadness, fury, hopeless.

I was seconds away from saving it... I saw her in the bathroom holding that necklace and said "NO!" and went running as she chucked it in the toilet and flushed it.... I LOST IT! It felt like I lost her all over again. I feel like somebody punched me in my stomach.

I can't be angry at her. She's 2. She knew how badly it effected me when she saw me screaming and crying like somebody died. She started shooshing me and assuring me that Daddy will get it. And saying sorry over and over again. He won't get it. He can't get it. It's gone. It took a huge piece of my heart with it.

I still do have some ashes of her's in a box. But for some reason, it doesn't feel like it's the same. That necklace got me through losing her.  

I just want it back.

Silly Little Girl!

One Proud Mama.... and toddler too!

I am up earlier than usual on a Monday. See, normally I don't get up until the alarm goes off, and Monday is a late start day at Jayden's school..... BUT! I had to get on here and blog about our first night making Ella STAY in her bed.

I blogged last night on how she had gone in there fell asleep on her own and how proud I was of her. Shortly after that blog we heard her crying. So, Gino went upstairs and got her. Technically I should went up and made her stay in there, but that's not what happened. Instead, she layed on the couch and feel back asleep.

THEN! We took her upstairs and instead of throwing her in our bed I put her in her's. She woke up and started crying and I reminded her that she was being a big girl and was going to get a sticker for being such a big girl! She nodded her head and said okay, hugged her bobby and went to sleep.

It lasted about 15 minutes.... then she started crying for Mommy. So, I went in, comforted her and reminded her that she's being a big girl! She said ok and pointed to Jayden's bed and said MAMA! Okay, I layed down in Jayden's bed so she felt comforted for about 20 minutes. In that 20 minutes she woke up once and I heard her say "OH!" Like a oh, okay, she's still here! And heard her turn over and I vacated the room.

And 7am is when she woke up!

She got out of bed yelling I DID IT!!!!!! She was so proud of herself...I just loved it and felt so good inside!

I'm Reparenting.... blogging the journey!

I'm reparenting. Ella has turned into a little tornado and I'm in the process of kicking it square in the butt before I end up with a sassy little teen! I blogged the other day about how out of control she's been lately, and I've decided to just buckle down and get this under control.

I'm not gonna lie... it's been DOWNRIGHT DIFFICULT! She's used to getting away with a lot because I would prefer to just give in than do the hard work of sticking it out and sticking to my word. That's where I have been failing as a parent. I owe it to her to teach her that she has rules, she has to respect her parents and that we are here to love her, and ensure that she is raised the right way!

We'd been through so much with Ella that I think we both just sortof let things slide. I'd think oh that's nice, she just poured her lemonade out all over her.... well, at least she's alive to be able to do that. It could be so much worse, because she could not be here. So instead of getting frustrated and getting on her we both instead let things slide. HUGE MISTAKE! I'm just happy that I'm changing things before it's too late.

Consistency. I'm being as consistent as a rock is hard! Not easy... takes and extreme amount of patience {blogged about that today} so not only is this changing her, but it's changing me. We are both being changed for the better. I'm finding that life is actually 110% easier when giving the toddler boundaries, and she's realizing that MOM MEANS BUSINESS!

I think the most shocking thing ever is that I'm seeing results so quickly. I'm giving her choices for the most part on things, and she's picking one or the other and realizing that this is the way it is. However, the little smartie realized that she can say that she wants an option that I'm not giving her.... EXAMPLE: Tonight I was working in my room/office and had the baby gate up so she couldn't come inside. She was having a MELTDOWN! I gave her the option of either going to hang out with her dad downstairs for her brother in their room. She thought long and hard about this and said, "Mama!" CRAP! That was not an option..... how is her little brain able to think outside of the box? Oh! I know, because she's abnormally smart!

Today for naptime she slept in her own bed. I didn't have to continually put her in her bed, she layed down (which is normally a fight) and asked for "Bobby" and I told her that she'd be a big girl and get a sticker if she'd lay down and take a nap in her bed. Almost 3 hours late she opened her door and came out with a huge smile on her face. She was PROUD OF HERSELF!!!!! And I was just as proud of her too!!

As I type this extremely long novel of our events here she's sleeping in her bed. Ever since I layed her down in her bed she's stayed there. If it lasts all night long she's getting cake for breakfast! Okay, I'm totally kidding, but she'll get to add a sticker to her chart that we're going to make her tomorrow.

I know that parenting is hard, but seeing the benefits of having patience and sticking with it makes it so worth it. I feel not only proud of her, but proud of myself as well for having the patience she deserves and showing her that she has boundries and she MUST respect her parents.

Just a Motivating Monday - Patience is a Virtue

If you're just joining in:
-Write a blog post about ANYTHING at all that inspires you, or something you feel will inspire others. 

-Please link back to Garibay Soup 

-Please snag my Just a Motivating button on your post.

-I hope that we can all go and visit each other's blogs and read what everyone has linked up ~ I hope that this carnival can bring more traffic for you :) So, spread the comment love! 

Last Just a Motivating Monday I talked about Forgiveness and talked of how for the next few weeks I will be basing my Just a Motivating Monday post on virtues.

Patience is a Virtue

Something that we've heard over and over and over again in our lives. As a child I never got it. I never quite understood why being patient is a virtue... actually, I think back then I never quite understood VIRTUE.

The best way for me to talk about patience as a virtue is through my eyes as a mother.  Recapping on virtue, we know that things of virtue are things of righteousness, moral excellence.  My goal in life is to be virtuous.  It's something that definitely takes a lot of focus and striving for.  I am willing to work at this, even if it takes my entire life.  To be known as someone of virtue is an honor.

Patience.  Hardest virtue I think there is out there.  Especially as a mother!  It's extremely important that we don't lose it on our children.  Trust me... there are MANY, MANY, MANY times a day I would like to just fly off the handle, because it's easier.  Instead I have to remind myself over and over and over again that this too shall pass.  If I hold on to that one virtue that is extremely hard to achieve and just be patient, it will pass.

Motivation...I need motivation to be patient.  I think the best motivation for me is my children's memories... I don't want their memories to be of their mom frustrated, impatient, not being there for them.  I want them to know that no matter what... I'm here.  I want to be the model mom.  I know I never will be, but I sure can strive to be.  Being a model mother requires a lot of virtue, and the hardest, yet most important one is patience.  Teach them how to be patient by being patient.  Teach them to be virtuous by being virtuous.

This week I'm going to work extremely hard on being patience.  Patience with my children, my husband, my work, me... I'm just downright going to be as patient as I possibly can.  Let me tell you, this is EXTREMELY hard on me.  I struggle with this virtue more than any of them.  So tomorrow I will wake up with a personal goal for the entire week.  The beauty of it is the more we practice being patient the easier it becomes.  Let's give our children memories of a patient mom, a mom that was easy to approach, a mom that took the time to listen to their needs, a mom that took the time ensure that they felt important.

If you have anything else to add on this virtue, please leave it as a comment.  I'd LOVE to read other's thoughts on this virtue... especially since it's the one virtue I struggle with.

God, please HELP!!!!!!

I realized on this trip that I AM SCREWED! There's no pretty word for what I forsee in my future... nope, no pretty word AT. ALL!

You see, I have this little 2 year old that has the attitude of a young little tween all packed with a load of hormones.  

I know this, 

I see this, 

but I really 

NEED TO GET ON DOING SOMETHING ABOUT THIS!

She hits, she thinks it's hilarious to NOT listen, she glares, rolls her eyes, yells.... oh shit! I'm describing myself!!!!  Damn it, {Kandi}!  You were right.... all I needed to do this whole time was look in the damn mirror to figure out where she gets all this from.  This little devilish precious walking mini me CANNOT turn out ANYTHING like me {well, me as an adolescent} .  So, I've gotta roll up the sleeves and get to work on her.  I'm realizing that just because she has a heart problem doesn't mean that she should get away with EVERYTHING..... so I'm about to embark on a world of hardness..... expect many blog posts about this.

Any advice for me? 

Giving Thanks of THANKSgiving

This day sometimes gets rushed with people, food and food..... did I mention FOOD? Don't get me wrong, getting together with family, eating deliciousness is definitely a wonderful aspect of this day.  Right now I sit at my inlaw's after finding a WiFi signal I am relaxing and reflecting on the meaning of THANKSgiving.  This Thanksgiving wasn't rushed with people.  It was so laid back, relaxing and just downright what I definitely needed.  I have been so rush here rush there, do this do that, that I really need TODAY to just sit and let the meaning of this day shine through....  Giving thanks....

I am Thankful

First and foremost for Jesus. I am definitely not in any way, shape or form a perfect person.... and sadly {real weeping tears here} I will never be. I am so thankful for the atonement and for the opportunity to be forgiven.

My husband.... he's my rock. I love this man so much. I'm thankful for him putting up with so much of my crap. No matter what this man loves me.... and I love that about him.

My children... I have learned so much about myself through them. They make me want to be a better person in this world. They have shown me what unconditional love is. They make me smile, giggle, and feel joy every, single day of my life!

The miracle of Ella. I am so thankful for the miracle of her surviving the most scariest time in our lives this past July. Having her overdose on her medication was overwhelmingly scary. We almost lost her sweet little soul. I truly feel Heavenly Father took her in his arms and helped pull her through this.... and answered a few hundred prayers :)

I am so thankful that I have been shown the most amazing company I've ever seen in my life.  That this company is literally the answer to all of our prayers and that I will continue to stay home with my kids and that my husband is right behind me!  

I'm thankful for Garibay Soup.  It honestly is one of the most special things ever to me.  It's my life.  It's my kids' life.  It's my mark in my own little universe.... and I couldn't imagine life without it.

I am thankful for every, single day that is given to me on this earth.  I truly love my life, no matter how hard it gets at times... it is the most precious gift.

I'm Outta Here!!! Going to CALIFORNIA!

This week we will be on the road

You know dang well that I go NO WHERE without my laptop,

So you just might be lucky enough to have me pop in,

But don't hold your breath :)  I'm going to CALIFORNIA!  To hang out with {THIS COOL CHICK}

I hope you have a fantastic, delicious Thanksgiving ~ don't forget to remember what this day is all about.

Just a Motivating Monday will resume next Monday :)

Ella is 2 and is acting like a stripper... I'm worried

I'm sure I've blogged about this before, but just in case I haven't I HAVE TO DO IT NOW! A while ago my ever so ghetto brother decided he would give Ella a dollar. When he gave it to her, he opened up her pull up and stuffed it on the side.... stripper style.


That has stuck with this little girl.... and I'm a little afraid about her future.


Any time she sees money, she grabs it and sticks it in her pull up... coupons... in her pull up. The other day I had $5.00 sitting on the table for Jayden's book fair, and it was gone! Gino and I were looking everywhere. Ella was standing by the ottoman in her pull up and I walked over, pulled open her pull up to find the $5.00 nestled in there.


Should I be worried?

Neighbor on Craigslist! LOL!!

Totally slacking here! Sorry.... there's been new neighbor episodes.


Frankly... not even normal.


"Jim" comes to my door and asks if I was offended when he offered to take pictures of me for my husband. Offended? No. Would do it in a million years? No.


Apparently, assistant girl went on Craiglist in our area under Artists and put his name as the subject. When you opened it I guess it told people of how he was offending his neighbor by trying to get her to pose nude for him, and that he spent $14,000.00 on hookers this summer. That confuses me, because how can he be a pimp if he's spending money on them? Obviously he doesn't know what he's doing.... or he's just down right a perv!


So, after he told me this {which he claims it's all lies} I asked if he reported it to Craigslist and he said he did. DAMN! I ran ever so quickly to my computer to take a screen shot of it for this blog post, but Craigslist is good... it was gone. BUMMER!